SHINDAN-ed this morning

While reviewing for my Accounting exam, I took a break and had random Shindan consultations. 

Here are the screenshots (with some of my remarks, of course):

Featuring a Kise fan-art: 

Enjoyed this colorful image.

WHY KISE? 

Anyway, as long as he is from the Kiseki no Sedai, still happy with the result.

Even Kise can't contain the happiness he cried. 

Those are tears of happiness. >_<

AND MY WAIFU 

(EEEHHH? WAIFU??)

なんでワイフ？

A wild Akashi.

Wonder who's more brutal, Akashi or me? 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"From your fave band member..."

But, my favorite band member? <3 font="">

Okay then:

Shinji from SID (because Mao is my number 2)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fine. If that makes the maker of this shindan happy. lawl

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I wish the artist will be Tanemura Arina. Really love her art.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

75% only unfortunately...

Am I disgrace already?

Gasai Yuno is extremely disappointed. 

wwwwww

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Because I am also 50% Hasubando Material perhaps? 

wwwww

いやだな～

I cannot be a good waifu? Hahaha.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW? 

It's really hard to find a perfect illustration for these descriptions. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not really happy with this one, though I like Goto Yuko.

She is known for the roles of Hikari Hanazono (Special A), Mikuru Asahina (The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya), Anya Alstreim (Code Geass R2)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

AIBOU!!

My best friend is Hirano Aya? O_O

We're both rebellious? 

*nods*

AND...

KAGAMI TAIGA (because of his voice)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

STILL HAS PERCENTAGE OF TSUNDERE-NESS? O_O

But if you're going to add the 75% of my Yandere to my 30% Tsundere... it won't be equal to 100%. 

XD

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

EITHER:

or

though I have stopped dancing already. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

YAHHHHHHHHH!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ooohhh? Really?

This is unbelievable...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHUT? 

The word used is really... lawl.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

-END OF SHINDAN MANIA-

Sorry for the image-heavy post.

You know I love images. 

(^___^)v

What can I say?

I am so depressed. 

I want to finish everything within the week but my body was not able to hold on.

If only I can dictate and prevent myself from getting any illnesses. 

「IF I WERE HEALTHIER.」

「IF I WERE STRONGER.」

「IF I WERE NORMAL.」

Why am I upset?

Because I can't do anything now. 

I hate myself being unproductive.

I hate myself because I am a huge burden now, to my family, to my friends, to my professors, and most of all, A BIG BURDEN TO MYSELF.

How can I possibly say that? It's because every time I am having heart attack, I am useless, a trash, a garbage, a rubbish. I am nothing but a mere decoration. They spend money for my hospital fees yet I am still nothing. I am not perfect, I am not good enough.

I want to go to school tomorrow. 

I want to end some of my left tasks. 

I don't care whether I am not yet fully recovered, I just want to remove the thorns that are bugging me.

How can I show that I am a reliable person if I keep on failing?

How can I appear to be happy now if I am really not?

Why are these things happening?

Am I only a pain to others?

I feel so depressed. 

「IF I WERE ONLY NORMAL.」

I want to reach out. 

I want every one to hear this, but I am afraid this ranting won't affect most of the people around me.

Did I make an impact to them? 

Did they at least understand what I am feeling now?

I am scared. 

I am scared to face reality.

I think I will not be able to accept the fact that I am not normal.

All my efforts will be wasted now. If only I didn't tell them I am badly hurt that Saturday. If only I somehow managed to escape the agony I am having. If only I silenced myself until the end of the period. If only I didn't excuse myself... If only I lied about what I was feeling that Saturday.

THAT SATURDAY.

I want to cry and scream now.

I want to cry. 

I want to cry. 

I want to seek refuge.

I want to smile without hiding any pain.

I want to be happy.

I want to live the day peacefully.

I want to forget all the worries I am having now. 

I CAN'T SING THE THOUGHTS IN MY BRAIN FOR THE LYRICS WILL ONLY INDUCE MORE HEARTBREAKING SCENARIOS. 

USELESS

Have you always wondered why people smile?

Have you asked yourselves why people smile even though they are not really feeling well?

Have you ever asked yourselves why people lie?

WHY ARE THESE THINGS HAPPENING?

I feel like a burden at the same time I feel like am I shouldering burden.

---------------------------------------------------

Why does a person have to TELL PEOPLE THAT WHAT I HAVE STATED WAS A LIE?

Does he know what truly happened?
Why is he an idiot?

Why does he have to tell them that I am just saying fallacy?

Did he ever ask himself if everything he is spitting out is pure truth?

I DIDN’T EVEN INFORMED HIM ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED!!!

Is he in the position to show to my face how liar I am even though I am not?

That action was really dim-witted.

--------------------------------------------------

I disappointed other people.

I JUST DISAPPOINTED THEM.

I want to tell them I am not perfect.

I am disappointed to myself too.

Do you know how disappointed I am every time I was not able to fulfill the requests of others?

1.       That malong. My mom and grandma got mad about that. I am useless. I really shouldn’t have opened that one. I am really sorry to that person and I am so sorry for myself. Why am I useless? Why??

2.       I left their PE class even though I was asked to take photos of them. I left that request hanging. I will say sorry to my classmate later.

I SO HATE EVERYTHING TODAY.

I HATE MYSELF. Lol

 I AM SO FRUSTRATED.
I AM SO STRESSED.

I AM SO USELESS.

I AM SO INEFFECTIVE.

I AM SO HOPELESS.

I wish they will soon realize that I smile not because I want to, but I need to.

Experienced something great today!

Wasn't able to wake up at 12:00 am. 

I seriously cursed myself for not being able to be moved by my 4 alarm times.

Woke up at 4:30 am.

Had to look for my lecture in Biology (since they are just hand-outs), and found 'em under the bed. 

Yes, I am very messy.

Reviewed while eating double cheeseburger. 

Wasn't able to memorize everything, at least I've learned almost 80% from it.

Went to school early. 

Before 6:45 I was already in the school.

Asked my classmate to do the waiver for the seminar we administered. 

Managed to finish the encoding of the waivers.

Psychology class, our assignment/quiz/activity was checked by our professor.

Lecture, then... discussion.

Biology class, continued our lecture then had a 30-item quiz.

Another continuation of the lecture then had another set of hand-outs to be studied before the final exams come.

Prepared for the seminar we're going to have.

We arrived there without participants. Yes, I know. It annoyed me. 

I was so shamed. The speaker was waiting for participants. We made him wait for an hour just for us to look for audience. Isn't that, great? lol

I won't elaborate it much since I want to forget about it. 

After that, we had a 

SUPER 

INTERESTING 

OPEN 

FORUM 

What comprise that open forum?

Easy!

The secretary of the barangay made palm reading to most of us. 

He is extremely amazing.

What did he tell about me?

1. I eat too much. If I want to live longer, I should lessen my food intake. (wwwwww) -- TRUE

2. My eyeglasses are not perfect for me anymore. I usually complain to have its lenses changed. -- TRUE

3. My love life is really... not good. XD 

4. I will be a citizen of a big country. I will be prosperous there. 

Anyway, that boosted my emotions. I am filled with confidence now and it really motivate me to proceed to my school works with excellence. 

Note: I wonder if the country the number 4 statement is referring to is UAE or Japan. Hmmm...

After some of my classmates' future were foretold, we had a ghost story telling.

We stopped the conversation when there are 3 ghosts (according to the speaker) inside the room. 

I asked the speaker to switch on the lights (so my classmates won't be afraid anymore. Does it include me? XD)

Can't put everything in detail here. 

Just that, I really really really enjoyed the evening activities. They were the exact opposite when the sponsored event started and finished. 

Sore jaa.

REPORT END! 

おわり。

つつく。

TOMORROW!?

So, I will have a bit of an overview with what happened to my Tuesday until today.

Tuesday...

We had to rush our research, as in we had to RUSH. 

I was texted by my senpais to go to the registrar's office ASAP.

I was extremely puzzled why I was summoned all of a sudden, then learned that I am part of a certain Quiz Show tomorrow. T___T

Very limited time for preparation, right?

Did our Chapter II and the instruments to be used throughout.

We even reviewed for the review... yet...

I even texted our prof but...

YES. SHE DID NOT COME TO CLASS.

I just ended, dismissed the class.

Our English period came...

usual lesson, discussion, reporting. 

DISMISSAL

Wednesday came.

I woke up SOOOO LATE.

I went to school at 8:40 am!! >__<

Imagine our programming starts at 7:00 and ends in 9:00 am.

I was 1 hour and 40 minutes late.

That's tremendous.

I wasn't able to have my assignment checked too.

WHY WAS I SO LAME?

I started cursing my self from that point on. wwww

Accounting time.

Yeah, I managed to understand the lesson.

We have quiz, ultra long quiz next week.

I hope I'll be able to keep my brain intact.

I HAVE TO. XD

DISMISSAL CAME

Went to the registrar's office so I can fin'lly review.

Yes. We did review.

I was with my teammates until 4:00 pm

Went to one of the professor's class. 

I was even introduced (even though I hate being introduced to others. lol)

Went home at 5:00 pm

Note: On the way home, I even saw my former teachers. They were smiling widely when they saw me. Hmm. Intriguing. 

THURSDAY

I woke up early. Tried to read few notes.

I seriously feel so useless to the team. 

I have enjoyed the company of my groupmates. 

Learned that the 3rd year senpai in our team is the brother of my former classmate. WHAT A SURPRISE. They don't look alike. XD

They even witnessed how glutton I am. T___T Hazukashii.

Reviewed few. I hope the stored knowledge I had the whole day will be helpful tomorrow. 

ANYWAY.

HOPE EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

GANBARIMASU!

Have to sleep early today. 

YEY!

What the fudge is this image? lol

(I am so random again)

Stress reliever

So, our grades are showing up... I am pressured that's why I played a li'l game against 

AKINATOR

From the very start, I was confused. Should it be Ono Daisuke or Fukuyama Jun?  I intend to defeat Akinator.

Oh well, during the questioning, I have decided to consider OnoD.

First half, I was answering well, then out of 25 questions, he gave me a Kamen Rider character, then we proceeded. 

When the notice about, "Is he a voice actor?" appeared, he answered that I was thinking of:

Dunno, I had difficulty answering this question... lol

wwwww

Then, he tried guessing again.

He answered, "FukuJun"...

(Good thing I dropped his name during the game.)

AND VOILA!!

Managed to beat him.

楽勝。

ラッキデス。

Downs and Ups? lol

If I have to rate this day I will give 6.5 out of 10.

WHY?

1.       My alarm clock didn’t work this morning. Good thing my first class starts at 2:00 pm. What’s wrong with it, you say? I had to finish polishing and adding details to the term paper we have. I managed to start at 10:00 am. Phew, good thing last night I was able to at least finish few parts.

2.       After managing to print all the output and became confident with the work we’ve done, I realized that during the discussion we had in our subject, I failed to meet plenty of points to be made. I even forgot to make an outline (that’s less 20 points for our grade). You know how huge the impact it did to me. T___T There’s no turning back now. I have to convince myself to give my better best (since best is not enough) next time.

Because of the terrible things that happened to half of my day, I think Lord gave me a good comeback during night class.

1.       Managed to look for a room to have our discussion. Our supposed to be room is being used as an exhibit for the week’s celebration. (A celebration wherein our organization is not concerned.)

2.       I had a fair set of questions thrown, but in the end I had to pull back for I will consume most of the time.

3.       My writing was kinda good, though it was rushed. I think I am happy with what I did.

4.       We will be given a chance to contribute to the school paper! Yey! Minus .25 points to our final grade. Hope it will bring my senses back to writing.

5.       Our final exam in English will be the documentary we will be submitting. Another group task? Oh well, I will not say anything regarding that.

After the class, we walked until we’ve reached our favorite burger stand. We ate a bunch (though I wanted to eat another 9-inch burger). Arrived home at 9:30 pm. Didn’t know that my mother was calling me thru phone, but it was in my bag and my bag was not with me. The moment I stepped home (10 pm), mom was insanely mad because last night I went home the same time. Lol to this rebellious kid. I promise it won’t happen again.

I really love blogging. I hope I get to blog every day, wish for more time.

Tomorrow is a good schedule for me. We only have one subject, which is programming. No Accounting subject, no money solving for a while (since I don’t want to budget for this week, wanna spoil myself with food). I refused to tag along with my friends just to go on duty again.

Speaking of my NSTP duty, I want the friggin’ section project to be over soon, but how could I start if I myself is not yet initiating. Err, wait, I initiated already, right? Why is it no one seems to be interested in helping me. Sometimes I hate expecting because they are usually not met. Oh, I think I will open it up again. It’s really a pain every time there’s a big project yet you’re always the one who do most of the part. It really burdens me. I wonder if they can feel it from me.

Anyway, the internet connection makes me mad. Maybe it is because I am downloading so I can’t buffer an episode yet. If I say episode I am referring to Amnesia’s Ep 07 which is in raw. It’s the start of Kent’s route. I really like him since he is such a gentleman. What I kinda don’t like about him is he is always busy from school, yeah, he’s a math professor. I want to play the game suddenly. Speaking of game, the PV for Amnesia Crowd is out already. Yoshimasa Hosoya is in it. I am connecting Inu X Boku with this now. Lol WHY AM I RELATING EVERYTHING?! XD

I think I will end this post with this last sentence.

THINK POSITIVE!

Caring friends are best friends

What is so special about this day?

Have you ever tried waking up at 11:00 pm, falling asleep few seconds after checking the time. Woke up at 1:00 am, gave yourself another allowance of an hour for sleep. Opened my eyes at 3:00 am again, but decided to suit myself to bed for few more seconds, but realized that the time I opened my eyes it was already 5 am. I still hugged my pillow, took a deep breath and then voila! 6:00 AM IT IS!

I had to rush, without considering that I hadn't reviewed anything for the supposed to be quiz in Biology.

Did my routine. I tried to prevent myself from bursting all the emotions I wasn't able to contain for days already. I can't help it, I am still a human. The only thing I did is to use my poker face so it won't bother my friends at all.

BUT... THEY KNOW ME AS A LIVELY, ENERGETIC PERSON WHO ALWAYS THROWS USELESS PUNS. HOW CAN'T THEY KNOW THAT I HAVE PROBLEMS?

So, yeah, during our first class, which is Psychology. I said everything. I became so vocal and my tears started to flush down. I was trying to force my eyes to stop crying. 

After that, I felt so relieved. 

THE POWER OF FRIENDS!! *HALLELUJAH~~*

[WITH CONCERNED KOTAROU HOSHIZUKI-SENSEI FROM STARRY SKY]

"Sensei, please heal me."

I learned a lot today.

I really did learn a lot. 

I hope these learnings will endure.

I hope I will make good and right decisions. 

I hope I won't falter anymore.

I hope I will not waver anymore. 

Inside Reality's Devastation

I wanna shout. I wanna yell.

I am so powerless.

I thought everything will be okay if I insist myself to the positive side of my every day.

WHY? WHY CAN'T YOU ALL APPRECIATE MY HARDWORK?

WHY? WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I DIDN'T RELY TO YOUR STRENGTHS?

WHY? WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I NEVER ASKED ANYTHING FROM YOU TO GAIN SOMETHING FOR MYSELF?

Why is everything turning to waste? All my efforts seem to be unwanted. I’ve been with bad luck for few days already … AM I REALLY A FAILURE?

I want to cry. I really want to cry now.

I thought everything will be resolved once I spend more time with my friends. Yes, I am really happy with their company, but once it's the time to go home, miseries haunt me.

WHY? AM I REALLY A LETDOWN?

Am I still not enough?

Are all my efforts still not enough?

Do I have to be perfect?

I am feeling so terrible.

I feel so useless.

All I did for the past few days was smile to cover up the grief I was and am still feeling.

What is this post for?

NOTHING.

No one will empathize.

No one can understand.

All these blues I am experiencing are out of every person’s business.

I might break any time.

I am so frustrated.

I am so hopeless.

Of course, I am not happy. So even if I did have good achievements within the week, they are still overshadowed by my melancholy due to the harshness of reality. If only I can escape the real world just for this day and will return once I am fully recovered.

Sorrow is one of the major reasons why my heart is racing in an unwanted rhythm.

DAMN IT I AM SO MOVED

2 group projects done individually today. 
WOW! THAT'S SO HEROIC!
 DAMN, my emotions are all getting rusted because of...


I fell asleep early last night that's why I got possessed this morning to finish all the tasks given to us. 
Printed all the 80+ pages of requirements and compiled them at 11:00 am.
I managed to review for 1 and a half hour for our prelim and midterm exam in Filipino. 
Went to school at 1:45 pm. 
Answered the exam kinda well, though I feel in my heart that I committed one mistake because of my clumsiness. 
Our professor in English was not around that's why I was able to go to the municipal office and there met the city mayor too, lucky. LOL
Went home with my friends. So happy I was with them. 
They even took a break in front of our house and we had chit-chat. 
EVERYTHING WAS SO FUN.

Now, I am online. 
I don't want to...

Yeah, I have to study now. 
I think I have fever now. 


Aaaaah. AMNESIA...
Hope AMNESIA songs will help me regain my senses. 
Aaaaah... AMNESIA...
Hope Shin, Toma, and Kent are characters in reality.
The thing I hate about Ikki is his Medusa eyes, he can magnet girls that easily. 

AAAAAAH AMNESIA...
Give me amnesia just delete that event from my brain. 

MY EYES ARE HEAVY NOW.
 I FEEL SO SICK. EVERYTHING IS SO SICK.
DAMN SICK, SO SICK. 

I want to rest. 
I want anime. 
I want to escape for a while. 

Sebastian Michaelis... I want to cry now. Stresses piling up.