JULY!

First post of July.

First post since I became a second year college student.

1. I am so occupied by various activities -- organization and academics.

I have to schedule well my plans, especially plenty of assignments, quizzes, examinations, activities are being thrown to me. I do not wish to confine myself with extracurricular and academic-related stuff only, I want to spend time with my friends and loved ones also. Meeting new people is good, but maintaining relationships is better. I guess, since I've been given lots of tasks, people are confident that I can accomplish everything that is why they entrusted those to me, and yes, that will be my great motivation.  

2. I am scared I might lose my position as the dean's lister.

I don't know. I cannot understand what more should I do. I even skip sleeping just to study really hard and do all the assignments and seatworks being given to us. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY. I do not give trash at all. I really hate trashes. Only those who should be appreciating my work submitted are those who cannot see the aesthetic features of my creations. Those things I love doing are being questioned... it is just... disappointing. My grades are not as good as before too. I know the subjects this semester are truly hard to bear... I study hard, I do. I just do not know what kind of magic happens when the examination day arrives, as in no one can get the right answer. Their expectations to me, when not met, breaks my heart. 

3. I am the organization's vice president external.

Being appointed as the Vice President - External as a second year student is really WOW. I know my physical movements are really limited, but I will give my best in everything I do, at the same time as the iinchou. 

4. I am not in really good terms with some higher-ups.

I do not want to talk about this, but this also gives me pain... it is hard to socialize to people you cannot understand. What can I do? I have to force myself to uncover what they wish to happen. This has nothing to do with the organization (I so love them)... I just... I shouldn't be talking about this. 

5. I am afraid my body cannot stand the rush of busyness.

Just recently, I was absent for 2 and a half days because of my very frail body. It saddens me when I am powerless. I do not like seeing myself doing nothing when almost everybody is assigned with tons of workloads that should be turned to me. I believe that since I am so sickly the discrimination to me might heighten, which I do not want to happen. 

This depression of mine strikes again. Why do I think like this? Very small number of people can only understand. Should I consult regarding this way of thinking of mine already? I don't know. *sighs*

I can only see the light when I am with those people whom I cherish. 

It is hard setting high standards...