I am so depressed.
I want to finish everything within the week but my body was not able to hold on.
If only I can dictate and prevent myself from getting any illnesses.
「IF I WERE HEALTHIER.」
「IF I WERE STRONGER.」
「IF I WERE NORMAL.」
Why am I upset?
Because I can't do anything now.
I hate myself being unproductive.
I hate myself because I am a huge burden now, to my family, to my friends, to my professors, and most of all, A BIG BURDEN TO MYSELF.
How can I possibly say that? It's because every time I am having heart attack, I am useless, a trash, a garbage, a rubbish. I am nothing but a mere decoration. They spend money for my hospital fees yet I am still nothing. I am not perfect, I am not good enough.
I want to go to school tomorrow.
I want to end some of my left tasks.
I don't care whether I am not yet fully recovered, I just want to remove the thorns that are bugging me.
How can I show that I am a reliable person if I keep on failing?
How can I appear to be happy now if I am really not?
Why are these things happening?
Am I only a pain to others?
I feel so depressed.
I want to reach out.
I want every one to hear this, but I am afraid this ranting won't affect most of the people around me.
Did I make an impact to them?
Did they at least understand what I am feeling now?
I am scared.
I am scared to face reality.
I think I will not be able to accept the fact that I am not normal.
All my efforts will be wasted now. If only I didn't tell them I am badly hurt that Saturday. If only I somehow managed to escape the agony I am having. If only I silenced myself until the end of the period. If only I didn't excuse myself... If only I lied about what I was feeling that Saturday.
I want to cry and scream now.
I want to cry.
I want to cry.
I want to seek refuge.
I want to smile without hiding any pain.
I want to be happy.
I want to live the day peacefully.
I want to forget all the worries I am having now.
I CAN'T SING THE THOUGHTS IN MY BRAIN FOR THE LYRICS WILL ONLY INDUCE MORE HEARTBREAKING SCENARIOS.