Dec 5, 2012

Why feel like this?

After my last blog post, I felt sad suddenly. I don't know why. A lot of scenarios appeared in my head. What if I failed meeting expectations? I am at this age but I still can't accept that I can't be perfect. Why is it so hard to be one? 

Even though I always smile, it doesn't mean I won't ever get to feel sadness. 

Why do some people easily get angry about small things? 
Why do some people prefer to stay average?
Why do some people like pinpointing out other people's flaws without looking at themselves first?
How do I overcome my fear of failing?

According to Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D, Psychologist

Depression is a problem with mood/feeling in which the mood is described as sad, feeling down in the dumps, being blue, or feeling low. While the depressed mood is present, evidence is also present which reflects the neurochemical or "brain chemistry" aspects of depression with the depressed individual experiencing poor concentration/attention, loss of energy, accelerated thought/worry, sleep/appetite disturbance, and other physical manifestations. 

It will take me a longer amount of time than usual to recover from this. The last question I've thrown is what consumes me everyday. I am thinking wrongly. I shouldn't be like this. It has been months since I last felt this. How come it returned? Why is my brain and mind betraying me? 

Gawrsh. Feeling sleepy too. Is this another manifestation? I should be productive tonight, tomorrow, and on Friday. I don't want to end up being a trash. I have things to do, I must do. I have expectations to meet. 

I wanna burst this out. I just can't. 
I can't even understand myself at the moment. 
I can't read everyone's mind. I am afraid of learning the truth. I am afraid of not knowing the truth.

Just like in the latest episode of Bakuman.3. "If only one can survive, then you should tell the truth without caring what others might feel." But, what if because you care for yourself too much, you destroyed your name. One cannot live alone that's why he/she must weigh his thoughts before spitting them out. BUT, what if the person wants to please everyone that he became untrue to himself? What if he's well loved but he hates himself? What if he can't choose which route he should go? What if he can have all or nothing? 

I am trying to smile. Listening to upbeat and happy songs but they don't affect me. I don't like becoming like this but I am so stressed. I am so stressed. I wanna scream. I wanna shout. BUT WHO CARES? At least through words I can express myself. It doesn't matter if other people will read this or even comment to this post. 

My problems are very basic. They are very small. 

If I don't experience problems in life then I can't consider myself as a living person, right? I should be happy. I should be. Just give me more time to picture things in my head for a while. I will be in a deep thinking. I don't want to be bothered by trashes first. I will get serious for the upcoming days. It's hard. It's really hard. It is very painful. 

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